The Joke Thread

While vacationing in Spain a tourist enters a restaurant and is immediately shown to his table. As he browses the menu he notices a gentleman at a nearby table eating what appears to be two large brown balls. The tourist is very curious so he ask the waiter for the name of the dish.

"Oh my..." the waiter exclaims. "This is our most prized culinary delight. Each day there is a bull fight. The matador bravely confronts the bull with his red cape. The bull charges him several times and each time the matador bravely escapes death. Eventually the bull fighter will stab the bull with his sword and kill him. It is at that precise moment that the balls of the bull are cut off and rushed to the kitchen of our restaurant. We prepare the dish with our best herbs and spices and serve it to one of my customers."

The tourist is intrigued so he makes a reservation for the next serving of the bulls testicles. Promptly at 3 pm sharp the next day the tourist arrives and escorted to a table near the window. Some complementary wine is brought to his table with a large bowl containing the balls. The tourist bites down and begins to slowly savour the meat. Within a few minutes the tourist finishes the meal and motions to the waiter. "I'm curious about something. Yesterday I noticed that the balls were so large but today the balls that I was served were very very small."

"Oh my," the waiter replied, "I must have failed to mention that sometimes the bull wins."

 

LOL! ;D
Disgusting...

 

funny but ........................funny
Post Merge: [time]1252509537[/time]
here is one from me


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

lol....naughty....

chicken: why did i cross the road?

chick:because you couldnt resist me...

chicken: what?! its a joke!

chick: nah, you just wanted to ******** and ******* in my ******** and your*********
*************************************************************************

chicken: omg..... slut......


i give myself a 2/1o

XP

 

Jokesss!!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

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A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
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One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked

"God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?!"

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

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While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb , it's Tony Blair!"

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with ***y women?", "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??"
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out into the country to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not. "She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...on the couch...nak3d.

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A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them. The priest says, "I've got an idea how to get us some free drinks." He walks in alone and the rabbi stands at the door and watches.

The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But my son, I've already paid for the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, father, but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and orders a drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives him the tab, and the rabbi says, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, rabbi, I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's the second time that happened to me today."

The rabbi says, "That's okay, son, no offence taken. Now, just give me change for the twenty I gave you, and I'll be on my way."

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Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."
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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 149..."
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A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer,

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
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Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe ***."

"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."
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Goldie, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Miami.

She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like pu55y CATS?"

With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
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An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog(dingo) sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart, male student said, "What about extreme s3xual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write
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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.

The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. "I can't do it..." He puts down the gun and leaves.

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.

The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander(British). During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it.

After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my p3n1s. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your p3n1s back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon
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Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "D@mn! That makes the third g@y rooster I bought this week."
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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
___
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
__
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.

"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have s*x with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have s*x with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the @ss."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best s*x ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus"

With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
_______________
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?
__
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker.

"33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker.

"Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."

"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!"

"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants.

"You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fukc did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
__
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my @ss on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fukcin' check ain't drawing any godd@mned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says,

"This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this godd@mned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this in' check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' b1tch won't help you?"

 

ha ha good and funny jokes they are here is another one
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

nice jokes (revived)

 

why does this die?

 

Because jokes are funnier when they are spontaneous and contextual.

 

Since its revived now,here is another one
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

So, a guy walks into a deli with an ostrich.

He says, hey, can you fix up a sandwich for me and my ostrich buddy here.

Ok, that will be 10.57

So the guys pulls out 10.57 and gives it to the cashier.

About an hour later he comes in and says, hey, can I get a soda for my ostrich buddy here?

Sure, that will be 1.07

So the guy pulls out 1.07 and hands it to the cashier

Two hours later the guy comes in again and says, hey, I'd like a smoothie for my ostrich buddy here.

Ok, that will be 6.48

So the guy takes out 6.48 and hands it to the cashier.

The cashier asks, how come you keep pulling out PERFECT change for everything?

He replies, well, a man appeared and gave me two wishes.

What was the first wish?

To have perfect change for everything.

What was the second wish?

I asked for a chick with long legs.


Thats one I can actually remember. xD

 

There's a blonde driving a car and out of her window she sees a brunette saying "97 97 97 97 " over and over again, so the blonde gets out of the car and says "Can I ask what your doing?" so the brunette says "I'm saying 97 over and over again" the blonde dwells on this then says "It sounds like fun can I join" "sure" said the brunette so together they kept on saying 97, eventually the blonde turns to the brunette and says "This is so much fun I love it!" and the brunette replies "you know, its even more fun when you say it in the middle of the road." so the blonde went out to the middle of the road and said "97 97 97" then she was hit by a truck and the brunette started to say "98 98 98 98"

I know evil >

Heres some more,

A blonde goes to a hairdresserswearing headphones and says "What ever you do, do not cut the cords of these headphones!" but the hairdresser accidentally does it anyway and the blonde drops dead, so the hairdresser gets some more headphones and listens to the noise, it was saying "Breathe in, Breathe out".

I have too many of these

One last

A blonde walks into an electronics store and goes to the worker, "I would like to buy this TV please" and the worker says "sorry, we don't sell to blondes" so the blonde dyes her hair red and went back to the store the next day, she goes up to the worker and says "I would like to buy this TV please" again the worker says "sorry, we don't sell to blondes". She dyes her hair brown but when she went to the store the next day the worker still said wouldn't sell to blondes, so she dyed her hair black and came in, she says "could I please have this TV?" and the worker says "Look I'm sorry but we don't sell to blondes OK?" and the blonde replies "Alright but please tell me how you know I'm a blonde?" and the worker just says "Thats not a TV its a microwave"

hopefully these are new to some people ;D

 

Okay, I'm not sure if I remember the joke but I'll try.

One man wakes up, finding out that he slept with another man. They were naked. He asks the man (who was right beside him) "Hey dude, wheres your hand?" he asks
"Under my pillow" the other one replies
"Where is your other hand?" the guys asks again
"Here, sandwiched between two pillows" he replied, puzzled
"Uhh..dude? Those are not pillows"

 

Mick and Pattie went down to the bar to have a few drinks, after a few pints Pattie got up and fell flat on his face, he thought, I must have had a bit too much to drink, so he crawled over to the door and got himself up using the door handle then he opened the door stepped out and fell flat on his face, knowing his home wasn't too far away he started to crawl over to there, finally he reached his door and got up using the door handle, he opened the door and fell flat on his face, thinking, well this isn't good I've had too much to drink, Pattie started climbing up the stairs to get to his bedroom, so he got up with the handle and fell flat on his face, this happened about 5 times until he finally reached the top, when he did he crawled to his bedroom, creaked the door open then crawled to his bed he managed to get into bed next to his lovely wife. the next morning when he woke up he was a bit hangover, so his wife came into the room and said "Pattie dear, you had a big night last night" Pattie replied "Yes I did darling, how did you know?" and she said "Mick rang up and said you left your wheelchair there."

 

BEFORE MARRIAGE

HE: Yes, I waited so long for this.

SHE: Do you want me to leave?

HE: No don't even think of it.

SHE: Did you love me?

HE: Yes, I did, I am doing and I will do.

SHE: Did you ever cheat me?

HE: I will die than doing it.

SHE: Will you kiss me?

HE: Surely, thats my pleasure.

SHE: Will you hurt me?

HE: No way, I am not such kinda person.

SHE: Can I trust you?

HE: Yes..

SHE: Oh dear!

AFTER WEDDING

>>>>>Read it from bottom to top<<<<<

 

me: knock knock
you: who's there?
me: Orange
you: Ora- (me): HAHAHAHAhahahahahuahuahauhauhalololrofloalmaoaefijhaha



Pointless laughing is fun!

 

Hehehehe

 

first guy: "Knock Knock"

second guy: "Whos there?"

first guy: "A troll"

second guy: "A troll who?"

first guy: "...."

second guy: "A TROLL WHO?!?!?!?"

 

A 5 year old boy walks into his dads while his dad is typing on his computer.
Boy: "Dad what' ya doin' ?"
Dad: " I'm giving this troll here a piece of my mind"
Boy: " Dad... What's a troll?
Dad: *after thinking of a good answer replies* "A troll is hungry person who likes spam"
Boy: "So you telling him that you'll give him some spam, right?"
Dad: "uhm... Yep"
Later when it's bedtime the boy's mum tells him a story of The Billy Goats Gruff which has a troll in it. After finishing telling the story the boy starts laughing.
Mum: "What's so funny?"
Boy: "Your wrong Mum. Dad told me that trolls like SPAM not GOATS."