Jokes To Offend Everyone

Bunch of jokes I got from a friend in the cops. What's funnier is that they were forwarded about 15 times, and it shows all the cops names forwarding it on!

************************************************
* By the way some of these jokes are OFFENSIVE *
************************************************

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

 

Haha, I guess I can throw in some jokes.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

 

Heres a few dead baby jokes. If your offended by dead babies well to bad!

Q.Whats the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies
A. I dont have a Porsche in my garage

Q. Whats tan, red, and spins round, and round, and round
A. A dead baby on a ceiling fan

Q. Whats GREEN, red, and spins round, and round, and round
A. That same baby 3 weeks later

 

Nice haven't heard a dead baby joke in quite a while!!

 

Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fucked! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat.
"How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance. "I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard.
"NOW you're fucked!" he says and starts to row away.

Q: What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
A: Crib death.

Q: What's blue and never fits properly?
A: A dead epileptic.

Q: Why can't little black kids play in the sandbox?
A: Because the cats keep burying them.

Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
Boy: "These woods sure are scary!"
Man: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls?
A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!

Q: What's the best thing about fucking 26 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.

 

What Do U Call A Pakistani With White Hair ?

Guinness


What Do U Call A Pakistani Swimming Pool?

Coco Pops