Women Jokes

I know this is mean but for some reason i lmao at women jokes.

Why dont women wear wrist watches?

cause theres a clock on the stove!

Why was the women run over by a truck?

cause the man was driving in the kitchen!

if you have any funny women jokes plz post.

(i hope none of the admin are women o.0?)

 

I don't know of the others, but I'm definitely 100% pure beef, err.. man ;D

But I'm a feminist & respect women.

Anyway those jokes of yours are harmless, I thought you were going to outright ridicule women, that I will never accept.

 

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

 

ROFL! Too David Letterman-esque if you ask me ;D

 

ok this ones a bit harsh but it makes me laugh ever time i hear it so i'll share it

what do you say to a women with two black eyes?


nothing you told hear twice already


please note i do not agree with domestic violence in any way its just a joke

 

No problem equity, I do have a couple of counter jokes for yours though.

Q: How will you ever tell your wife that you got beat up?

A: No, need she knows every agonizing detail well.

Q: How will you ever tell your wife you got mugged off of your salary?

A: You can't she already spent the money on new clothes, shoes & Jewelry.

 

Understanding a Woman

We need
REALLY MEANS
I want
---------------------------------------------------------------
You want
REALLY MEANS
You need
---------------------------------------------------------------
It's your decision
REALLY MEANS
The correct decision should be obvious by now.
---------------------------------------------------------------
We need to talk
REALLY MEANS
I need to complain
---------------------------------------------------------------
Do what you want
REALLY MEANS
You'll pay for this later.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You're ... so manly
REALLY MEANS
You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sure... go ahead
REALLY MEANS
I don't want you to.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not upset
REALLY MEANS
Of course I'm upset, you moron!
---------------------------------------------------------------
You're certainly attentive tonight.
REALLY MEANS
Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
REALLY MEANS
I'm on my period.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Be romantic, turn out the lights.
REALLY MEANS
I'm Embarrassed
---------------------------------------------------------------
This kitchen is so inconvenient
REALLY MEANS
I want a new house.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You have to learn to communicate.
REALLY MEANS
Just agree with me.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Yes
REALLY MEANS
No
---------------------------------------------------------------
No
REALLY MEANS
No
---------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe
REALLY MEANS
No
---------------------------------------------------------------
I heard a noise
REALLY MEANS
I noticed you were almost asleep.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Do you love me?
REALLY MEANS
I'm going to ask for something expensive.
---------------------------------------------------------------
How much do you love me?
REALLY MEANS
I did something you're not going to like.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be ready in a minute.
REALLY MEANS
Be patient I'll be a while.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Am I a little fat?
REALLY MEANS
Tell me I'm beautiful.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry.
REALLY MEANS
You'll be sorry.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Do you like this recipe?
REALLY MEANS
It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Was that the baby?
REALLY MEANS
Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not yelling!
REALLY MEANS
Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
---------------------------------------------------------------
All we're going to buy is a soap dish
REALLY MEANS
Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

 

lol, reminds me of a german comedian.



he releases a book: "Deutsch – Frau / Frau – Deutsch"
(in english -> "german - woman / woman - german")

 

@Ussopu: I seem to have read that in an old issue of Reader's Digest, LOL!

 

On the subject of feminists here's some little info:
I don't know the political state in your country but in many of the modern countries women have equal rights and actually have more rights than men, so feminists in those countries usually just want some sex or are women who want even more rights (perhaps even thinking women are superior). Chauvinistic societies may still lie in social and cultural attitudes but not in law by far, so any jokes on the way law treats women may be inaccurate.

 

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Those are just a few of my favs....

 

I'm not sexist, but these jokes are just funny .

When's the only time a woman has more than one braincell?
When she's pregnant.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough?
Give her a shovel.

 

LOL these are funny thanks for the lolz. keep it coming

 

hi girls!
i'm boys!



heheheheh

 

............ was that a joke /:

 

sexist

 

here some jokes they count as rude but oh well

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. Grin

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

 

Hmm I only know blonde jokes.

What do you call a blonde that turns brunette?
...artificial intelligence

I know its a bit mean...but its funny.

 

Lol...

Hi girls
Hi boyz.

is it suppose to be funny?

 

some blonde jokes -

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."