The Quarrels of Bob and Sally: Dairy Products

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Bob, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly displeased, Bob poked a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved dairy products was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Sally. Bob had known Sally for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Sally was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... insensitive. Bob called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Sally picked up to a very mad Bob. Sally calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats belch before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually explosively belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bob. Why was Sally trying to distract Bob? Because she had snuck out from Bob's with the dairy products only ten days prior. It was a flamboyant little dairy products... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Bob got back to the subject at hand: his dairy products. Sally yawned. Relunctantly, Sally invited him over, assuring him they'd find the dairy products. Bob grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sally realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the dairy products and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if Bob took the rice rocket, she had take at least eight minutes before Bob would get there. But if he took the hover craft? Then Sally would be exceedingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sally was interrupted by ten selfish wombats that were lured by her dairy products. Sally grimaced; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she fearlessly reached for her potato and skillfully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the hover craft rolling up. It was Bob.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Bob was out of the hover craft and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Sally's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sally was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the dairy products into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her whale. Sally was angered but at least the dairy products was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Sally charismatically purred. With a careful push, Bob opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid rationality-deprived retard in a Jap Trap,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Sally assured him. Bob took a seat right next to where Sally had hidden the dairy products. Sally yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bob was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Sally noticed a insensitive look on Bob's face. Bob slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Sally felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Bob asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the dairy products right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Bob's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bob nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sally could react, Bob randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The dairy products was plainly in view.

Bob stared at Sally for what what must've been eight minutes. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Sally groped indiscriminately in Bob's direction, clearly desperate. Bob grabbed the dairy products and bolted for the door. It was locked. Sally let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bob,' she rebuked. Sally always had been a little funny-smelling, so Bob knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sally did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his dairy products tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Sally looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bob. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bob. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Sally walked over to the window and looked down. Bob was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bob was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Sally's place. Bob had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral wombats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dairy products. One by one they latched on to Bob. Already weakened from his injury, Bob yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wombats running off with his dairy products.

About six hours later, Bob awoke, his prostate throbbing. It was dark and Bob did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely haunted thicket, Bob was barely lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his dairy products was taken by the wombats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little wombat emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha wombat. Bob opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the wombat sunk its teeth into Bob's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bob's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than five miles away, Sally was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dairy products. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her scalp. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Bob... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the dairy products that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant wombats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Post Merge: [time]1285271946[/time]
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