The Joke Thread

I don't think we need a thread for each joke someone finds somewhere. So consolidate all your "x walks into a bar", etc. jokes here.

But if I see one Chuck Norris joke here, I swear I'm gonna delete your post.

 

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

 

It's impossible to delete posts about Chuck Norris.

 

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

 

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

In Soviet, Russia, Chuck Norris still roundhouse kicks you.

 

Reminds me of this thread.

https://www.romulation.org/forum/index.php?topic=12070.0

 

Uh oh, Chuck Norris can lock threads...

How about this...

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

^Has to reread in order to get the joke, but it's good.

Here's another of mine:

In the U.S., a guy in his car is stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone comes to his car and knocks on the window.
The driver: "What's happening?"
"Well, some terrorists took G.W. Bush as a hostage, and ask for a 1 million dollar ransom or they will put some gasoline on him and set him on fire."
"Oh God!"
"So, we go from car to car to collect what people can give."
"And how much do people give in the average?"
"About 5 gallons..."

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What
are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie.'

'Incredible, ' said the man.

And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's George
Washington's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that George
told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Gods' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan...'

 

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"

And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.

"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.

"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"

"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."

"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"

(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"

"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.

And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.

"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.

"Oh that, that was just a screensaver..."

 

I have all of these jokes in a book I have...I cbf'd psoting any as they are longer than 15 words.

Now to find that book again...

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's boobs and I was wondering if I might see
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind
if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's dick. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my dick in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here."

 

...bit much that one...that's another reason why I didn't use the book-racism as well...but truly funny XD

 

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

 

good jokes everyone

 

i read this one somewhere

chuck norris built a time machine and travelled back in time to stop the assassination of J.F.K. when the bullets were fired, chuck deflected them with his beard. J.F.K's head exploded from the shear awsomeness.

 

haha i love that one

 

I like those jokes and I know a few myself but can't remember them right now.
But I'll post them here if I can recall them