The Circus

Let's pull some jokes. Jokes are mandatory at any forum. Let's get going.

Me, personally, i'm a sucker for a good knock-knock joke. I don't know, i just do.

So let's hear some!

 

A truck full of viagra was stolen on its way from the drug factory.Police say they are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals...

 

My specialties are offensive jokes, but I'll try to keep this one nice

102 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

102. Post this entire list on a web forum.

It was originally 101 things to annoy people with, but I thought I'd add my own at the bottom

 

I did tell you i love my knock-knock jokes. So here's some:

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Crock and Dial.
Crock and Dial who?
Crock and Dial Dundee!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Costas.
Costas who?
Costas a fortune to get here.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sabina.
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since I've seen you.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Keanu.
Keanu who?
Keanu let me in, it's cold out here!

 

What is the difference between a politician and algea?

One has a protocell thinking design and the other doesn't think.

SB

 

What do you get when you water down American Beer?

Corona

SB

 

I concur with the last two posts in here.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?


The whore screws everyone, the bitch screws everyone but you.

 

I don't know... I don't tell very many (or good) jokes.

 

Hahahaha, come on, give it a try

Asmadi, nice one, i'll be using that one

 

I thought this was pretty funny...

 

This is for all you Christians

Psalm 23-
The Way a Student Prays It

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when i should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break,
He restores my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits for my grades' sake.
Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown,
For Thou art with me;
my prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me the answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding,
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of examinations;
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever!
Amen



Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students:

1. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

2. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

3. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

4. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

5. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to
[email protected].

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

7. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

8. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

9. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

10. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman are walking down the road when they find a Magic Lamp.
So they rub it blah blah and a genie blah blah.
The Genie says it will grant them each a wish.
The Genie asks the Welshman

Welshman: " I want Wales to be fertile forever"
Genie: " Granted "

The Genie asks the Englishman

Englishman: " I want you to build a big wall around England so my country can never be invaded. Make it so no-one can get in, and
no-one can get out "
Genie: "Granted"

The Genie then asks the Irishman

Irishman: "Ok..can I ask a few questions first?
Genie: "Of course"
Irishman: "Tell me about this wall around England"
Genie: "Well..Its 600 feet high and goes all around the country"
Irishman: "And no-one can get in or out?"
Genie: "No, Definitley not. It's completley flawless"
Irishman: "Ok, right. Now...fill it with water"

 

I haven't posted anything in here for a while, so here I go.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!

Q: What's the most popular pick up line at the gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q: How does a redneck mother know when her daughter is on the rag?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

 

Alright there a few I can remember, but this are old school, so here I go


There are 3 guys walking down the street,
The First guy is an Englishman, The Second guy is an Irishman,
And the Third guy is an American...... So the 3 guys are walking down an ally and then they see a fine beauty hooney just standing there with really short skirt and a blouse that will make your teeth grind and houl....

The girl then askeds, would you guys like me to give service to you....and the 3 guys look at each other and say.....yes please.....so now each guy is fighting to see who goes first.....The irishman says Ill go first Im more manlier then you asswipes......so he goes with the girl in the apartment......He humps and pumps and F**ks hers, horns come out of her head and she says GOTO HELL......and that irish cunt goes to hell......

Then the American say what happened to the irishman.......the woman says ohh he fell asleep hes in the other room...so then the Englishman says, watch out mate its my turn....so they both go in the apartment and he humps and pumps and F**ks her like nothin....horns come out of her head and she says GOTO HELL......and that Enlighs prick goes to hell.

So then the American is now wondering what happened to the other 2 guys.....the girl tells him dont worry bout it....come here Ill make your dreams come true...o.k...the american says...so the 2 go in the room and so he humps, he pumps and he F**ks the brains out of her like nothin....Horns come out of her head, and before she says something............the American looks at the horns and says....WHOOOOPPYYY............HANDLEBARS.......


there is another cant remember but if I do Ill put it here...