Hello everyone, I need help. Im currently enrolled in a subject called Strategic Management that requires a term paper that indicates a corporation's information. I need to make a request letter that will inform them of my (our group's) need for their cooperation to disclose some information about their organization. So far, heres what I came up with. Please Comment if something is wrong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sir/Madame: We, Students of X University, under the class of Mr. Jose Rizal in Strategic Management would like to ask for your assistance in fulfilling one of the requirements in the said subject. With your permission, we would like to inquire about information relating to the corporations organizational structure, performance, and strategies employed to adjust to the changing environment. If you would be so kind, please contact us with the number 1234-5678-910 to schedule for a meeting of your convenience. Please be assured that all information disclosed will be treated with utmost confidentiality. Sincerely yours, The Researchers -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please comment, I feel something is wrong with it. *note It is not yet confirmed what corporation we're gonna go with, so I didn't include the heading, date, and inside address.
Instead of "The Researchers" use the name of the team leader and have them sign the letter. I've also made some tiny adjustments to the grammar, since grammatical mistakes look unprofessional. I'd also say that "if you would be so kind" is a bit presumptuous - try something like "if you are willing to assist us" or something along those lines.
I simply must commend New Zealand's education system for its fine commitment to grammar. Thus, I shall provide further revisions: There's something off about the line "please contact us with the number" but I can't think of a good way to rephrase it at the moment.
The letter seems fine I do have some advice for you, when choosing a company pick one that has a public stock listing as they legally have to reveal much about their business anyway so are much more likely to be forthcoming with the info you want. Choosing a corporation that began its operations in your local area will incline the management to be more open as they will have an historic vested interest in the area in which you live. Lastly, if you get a face to face interview don't turn up on mass as you will intimidate your interviewee, choose 2 or 3 people max to attend the interview who can ask questions on behalf of the group. Good luck
tutelage? aforementioned? Seems like the letter receiver need to open a dictionary to understand those words. I think If the addressed company doesn't use English as its native language then those hard vocabularies aren't needed. Although yep, proficient English users may analyze the words/skip it and still understand the whole sentence... Ah well... but that's just my opinion. >_<
Another revision: switch out "relating" in the second paragraph with "pertaining". It's only natural. If someone's in such a position that they can decide whether or not to share the information, it's safe to assume they're educated enough to understand those words. "Big" words show that you're serious and worthy of their time. If they're not native English speakers, then that's another story.
Well... from the the name of the Lecturer (Jose Rizal) and user's location (Phillipines), we can assume that the receiver isn't a Native English speaker... but yeah I agree to your point that sophisticated diction can show seriousness.
I like the second revised version, but yeah, that line does sound a tad awkward. "If you would be so kind, please contact us at 1234-5678-910" sounds better imo. Or you can write your contact details at the bottom of the letter and say "if you would be so kind, please contact us via the phone number and/or the e-mail address at the bottom".
Ok..first I am loving the word tutelage and aforementioned, gives a feeling of elegance and sophistication. I think I'll use it, thanks. And a few replies to everyones suggestion...woot! I segragated every thought because i suck at integrating different ideas to form a long paragraph. please bear with me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ About the sentence "If you would be so kind as to.." I can't think of any phrase to replace it. Suiseiseki advised to use something along the lines of "If you are willing to assist us.." Im thinking that it becomes redundant with the first phrase "With your permission". What do you think? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ About the second sentence of the second paragraph. I like the idea to cut it short by MysticMaja. So instead of "If you would be so kind, please contact us with the number 1234-5678-910 to schedule for a meeting of your convenience." Its more direct to use "If you would be so kind, please contact us at 1234-5678-910" or can we just eliminate the first phrase so to make it just only "Please contact us at 1234-5678-910 to schedule a meeting at your convenience" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I think i forgot to write the name of my teacher under the signature of the team leader for the purpose of indorsement. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jose Rizal is not my teachers real name, It's the name of our american sponsored hero here in the philippines. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Thanks again to Suiseiseki and tehuber1337 for the grammar check. ------------------------ ***took note of the public stock listing and the not-intimidate-the-interviewee tip..thanks 1prinnydood
