Lost my will to live.....

Life is tough....and I just think I had enough. I'm not going to kill myself since I'm the kind if person who kills others when I'm depressed( which worries me more). I'm in high school, and I'm aged 16 and my problem seems to be that I cant do anything...not even homework. Its not that I'm stupid(I was the one with the highest marks) or addicted(teachers do suspect that I'm a drug addict, most probably due to a 'dull' look on my face all the time). I want to pass, I want to study. I know many of you here are college graduates( with reasonably high marks and successful) and I don't think I'm the only person in Romu who has/had this problem. I want to find that thing called willpower and bottle it up....and I need your help.

 

Hahahahaha!! You think just because someone is in college that life suddenly gets more exciting? Well, bad news buddy, it doesn't.

I was in the EXACT state of mind as you when I was in high school. I was never motivated and all my classes weren't stimulating enough to hold my attention and I got bad grades all around. Ironically, when it came to taking the national standardized exams(in the Philippines mind you) I scored the highest of everyone in my year level and my score was markedly HIGHER than the person who was in the running for valedictorian. I knew the limitations and capabilities of my brain and I was just shuffling along my high school life until I got to college, which, I thought, would finally be more stimulating and exciting.

Boy was I wrong.

Now, this is just based on my experience and your own college life may differ. But for me, college life was even darker, harder and sadder than high school. Never mind the fact that I had to move here to the US and had to leave everyone of my friends whom I loved dearly. Never mind the massive culture shock I received when I finally stepped onto the halls of college (though it wasn't anything as grandiose as what my words imply, it was just a standard community college). What really got me down was that I had no fucking idea what I was aiming for in my life. I had no clue what career I wanted, what kind of future I wanted for myself, hell I didn't even know what I was going to do for tomorrow. I had absolutely no outlook into my future and I felt like I was on constant auto-pilot. I felt that it wouldn't even matter if I were to die right where I stood or if I lived forever.

Now, as you can plainly see, I am still alive and well.

What was my secret? What made me pick myself up and start facing the future? Absolutely nothing. Nothing has changed. I'm still on auto-pilot even as I type this. I'm still failing all my classes. I'm living day-by-day with a sleepy haze hanging over my head. Depression. Nothing stimulates me. My life is a big yawn. However, there is a major difference now with my outlook. I actually want to change my lifestyle. Why? Because like everything else in my life, I grew disinterested. I became disinterested in BEING disinterested with my life. (If that makes any sense to you. Even I still don't fully understand what I say sometimes) I really want to change the way my life is going right now. You say you need a will to live? So do I. And I guess that what makes me pick up my feet and trudge along.

Finding my will to live IS my will to live.

Now, I know this seems crazy and almost seems like a line I ripped straight from a cheesy B-grade movie. But this is what I can say, accurately depicts what I'm doing with my life right now. Some people have drives that push them, some people have goals they want realized. I have none of those. My drive is the fact that I will eventually find one. My goal is to actually create a fucking realistic goal in the first place. When I finally do find a drive and a goal, only then I can say I can start crawling out of rock bottom.

What does all of this have to do with you? Absolutely nothing. I'm just stating what MY will to live is. You're free to take anything you want from this. If you think that my life is pathetic and you decide that you don't want my life and start actually working on being a better person; So be it. If you think that your life is more pitiful than mine and you find that you no longer have any means or the will to live on; then I have no power to stop you. Feel free to kill yourself or everybody in your family.



tl;dr version: Pick your ass up off the ground, lift your head high and trudge along with your life as best as you can. If you fall, you fall. If you want to stay down, stay down. If you want to get up again, get up. Just do SOMETHING.

 

Even though that was 'in my face' I understand what you're telling me, I guess I already feel better...
But what annoys me is that the idea of life is to keep living and not to accomplish something.....

 

What do you mean? "Finding something you want to live for"... seems like a pretty big accomplishment to me.
And I won't apologize for the words I've written. Direct confrontation seems to be the only thing that will grab the attention of someone depressed.

 

hehe...you're a natural...thanks man...that was just what I needed...some poking on from behind
......

 

How do you feel now?

 

People say this too quick.

 

Life is indeed tough. I had several problems myself. If you look for the willpower, just go and study. Think in yourself, I CAN DO IT. Screw what the rest of the people say. You is YOU! What are other people to think who you are?

Man, if you want high grades... don't go and make yourself too stressy. If you pass each and every test... just pass... then you should be happy. A person who passed college can become successful. Maybe not as successful as a business leader but hey, maybe as a manager.

Don't ever think that you can't do anything. First, you can't stay or drugs. Secondly, you can surf the web and be a part of romu. Thirdly, you can tell exactly what is bothering you... and why you feel so down.

Before you think about going to the afterlife... please write down what you have to miss if you weren't around. Friends, games, family, parties, your favorite food, your dream job .....

We can have contact on Skype and I had also lost my will to live once before... Akane & a good friend of ours helped me. So if you want, we can chat a bit on Skype. I am a good listener, and I like to do it. I swear, if you want to talk with somebody... RomU and me are here for you!

 

I wish you luck in trying to figure out what he's actually saying.

 

There's your problem.

Not that I'm saying it'll get better when you're older. I'm saying you're a kid with an unwarranted sense of self-importance and an evident lack of motivation attributable to being a lazy twat who has never had to properly work for anything.

 

Thanks Jonez......and Toffee too. I'm felling better and I think its time I tackled that huge pile of homework, exams are right round the corner and this time I'm gonna surprise them all!

 

news flash, life sucks and its only going to suck more in the future.. accept that and the journey will be less painful.

i think about dying everyday and the only reason i'm havnt kill my self is because i dont want my mom (who work to the bone to raise me) to be heart broken. that is very ungrateful.

so if you think about killing yourself in the future, think about your parent, after years of feeding and putting up with you, you own them that much.

 

Same sentiment as Cal, unfortunately most Westerners could care less about their parents. Now I'm not saying westerners are rude or ungrateful it's just how their culture is & I've got RomUlation's community to thank for learning about that.

As a survivor of Suicidal tendencies I can sort of relate to how the topic starter is feeling, but as Cal said, life does suck. You'd think other people are better off than you are but in truth they too may be struggling with the same issues you are facing or far worse.

Also, you should talk with somebody about this, but not on internet communities such as this. Confide with a dear friend or a counselor in person as actual physical human interaction is what you need most in these trying times.

 

Dunno what you guys are talking about, life's great :]

 

After a while you get used to the misery...

I was 4 when I got my first depression, never really got out of it.

 

Do you mind if I call bullshit on that?
What the hell does a 4 year get depressed about!?

 

Because that mean old lady wouldn't let me have any cookies!

 

*Joins the bandwagon*

Yeah life sux badly.When your a kid things are simple and easy,your teen years kick in and you'll either soar or plummet then comes your adult years sigh.

I'll say this my life went South after I got out of High School.I'm now in a shitty tech school full of retards that don't know what 2 plus 2 is,It's relatively the same thing day after day.The only things that keeps me alive are my family and friends and my fear of going to hell for suicide.

So yeah things may look up for you later it may go further South.All you can do is hope for the best and do everything within your power to make a living even if it's shitty till the day you die.

 

Tell the depression to go away, and to stop being mean like Sarra.

Seriously, there are bigger things out there than you and your sadness. Try thinking of what they are, it might be friends and family like what the others said, or you could have something you want to accomplish. Just get out of the mentality.

 

Let's call it being handled with disrespect..