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Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games, Jokes & Random' started by goddet, Jun 11, 2007.

  1. goddet

    goddet Member

    Jokes brighten our life (for me) hope everyone will contribute lots of jokes. here's one:

    Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
    The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it?s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
    So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
    "You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
    "You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
    "Yeah, I think I do!"
    "Well, I didn't."
     
  2. Prototype

    Prototype Well-Known Member

    here is 1...kinda old joke also a religion joke so peeps dont take offence....


    alright a burgler sees this great beautiful house, and he decides to sneak in and burglarise it.....he opens a window and lurks inside in the pitch dark....while hes walking he hears a faint sound...!!!Jeesssuuss is watching!!!

    He walks again and 1 minute later he hears it again !!!Jeesus is watching!!!, he looks around and doesnt see anything...so he lurks some more.
    The third time he hears the voice again....

    !!!Jesus Is Watching!!!

    The burgler gets scared and decides to turn on the lights......

    !!!Jesssus is watching!!! the burgler to hes astonishedment see's a big parrot saying !!!Jeeesssus is watching!!!..so he walks up to the parrot and tells him.....what did you say??

    The Parrot Tells him....!!!!!Jeeeessus is Watching!!!!
    The Burgler tells Him....Whats your name Parrot?
    The Parrot says....MOSES
    Burgler Replies....!!!MOSES!!!...What kind of a dumb guy named you MOSES!!!!
    Parrot Says...Same dumb guy that named that PitBull behind you Jesus!!!!
     
  3. Loonylion

    Loonylion Administrator Staff Member

  4. Reider

    Reider Modereider

    This one is a little nasty, but I'll be damned if it isn't funny.

    There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "what do you haveunder the newspaper?"

    Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

    The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain The police asked him what happened.

    He replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, & guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I'm here."

    The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, " What did you do to that naked fellow?"

    After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
     
  5. Loonylion

    Loonylion Administrator Staff Member

    ouch lol
     
  6. G.C

    G.C Well-Known Member

    Yea Theres Loadz Like That Lol
     
  7. Seph

    Seph Administrator Staff Member

    Don't stop on my behalf, really!
     
  8. G.C

    G.C Well-Known Member

    I Know A Few But They're Mostly Rude And/Or Racist, Sooo, Ill Pass ;)
     
  9. Reider

    Reider Modereider

    This one isn't really up to my standards, but it's good enough I guess...

    A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

    They seat themselves, and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
    "Emma comes first, den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I comea gain. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

    "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" retorted the lady indignantly.

    "Hey coola down lady," replied the man.

    "Imma just tellun my friend howata spella MISSISSIPPI...."
     
  10. Loonylion

    Loonylion Administrator Staff Member

    heard that one before :)
     
  11. Seph

    Seph Administrator Staff Member

    haha I liked it. :D
     
  12. Prototype

    Prototype Well-Known Member

    K got 1 for you althought it dont make much sence but here we go....
    a lil bt nasty but bare with me its the best I could do....


    A bear and a Rabbit are Taking a Shit in The Woods........
    The Bear asked the rabbit!!

    Hey Rabbit?......
    The Rebbit Replies....
    Yes Bear!!!!
    Bear........Do you Have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?....
    The Rabbit Replies....
    NOO!!!!.....Why???

    So Bear Whipes hes shit with the Rabbit


    Got another 1 since I cant double post....

    old as well....a lil bit long too.....

    Two animals are walking down the mountain...one of does animals is a monkey, and the other is a lion...
    While they are walking the monkey asked the lion....
    Hey Lion?.......!!!!I betya I can make the weather Rain, Blow Thunder and make it Snow.!!!!!!

    The Lion repplies......
    NOO!!! You cant!!!!
    Monkey tells him.....Yes I can!!!....Wanna Bet?....
    Then the lion tells him to Prove it........
    So the monkey tells him.....Alright watch this...see that big huge rock over there?

    Yes....says the lion.....
    just watch me.....and Ill show you the Weather...
    So the monkey runs and climbs that huge rock and shouts to the Lion...YOU READY DOWN THERE??.....
    Lion shouts out.......!!!!!LET ME HAVE IT!!!!!!

    Monkey says, !!!!ALRIGHT HERE WE GO!!!!!!..........

    So the monkey pulls out hes penus and yells.....!!!HERE COMES THE RAIN!!!!

    Then he bends over and yells........!!!HERE COMES THE THUNDER WITH A HUGE BANG!!!

    Then he bends even more and yells.......YOU READY LION HERE COMES THE SNOW!!!

    He quickly comes running down, and the lion is waiting and watching him with wide open eyes...and tells the monkey...
    Guess what monkey?....
    Monkey tells him......Yes?...
    The Lion repplies...Well, I betya I can make you see stars.....and !!!!!WWWAAAAMMMMM!!!!

    !!!!NOW DO YOU SEE STARS!!!!



    O.K. O.K O.K..............I got 1 more.......here we go...


    2 man are walking down the woods from a long hike and decide to head back to their tents.........

    Right before They reach their tents, a bear is lurking around smelling for food....

    The 2 man quickly hide, and the bear spots both of them trying to hide behind a tree.....

    So he decides to run after them....and the 2 man take off running down the hill.......

    Then 1 of the man tells the other man......

    1rst man: !!!!I got an IDEA!!!!
    2nd man: Yeah, whats your idea, we could use 1.....

    1rst man: !!!You run that way and Ill run this way!!!
    2nd man: !!!ARE YOU CRAIZY....WE CANT OUT-RUN THAT BIG BEAR!!!

    1rst man: I dont need to out-run the bear...
    I just have to Out-Run !!!YOU!!!
     
  13. Loonylion

    Loonylion Administrator Staff Member

    A lion, a bear and a chicken were bragging about who was the most frightening..

    "When I growl," said the bear "the trees shake in fear."
    "Oh yeah?" said the lion "When I roar, the entire jungle shakes in fear."
    "Thats nothing" retorted the chicken. "When I sneeze the whole world shits itself"
     
  14. Reider

    Reider Modereider

    I'm going to post some Darwin Award winners now, enjoy.

     
  15. silverman10

    silverman10 Guest

    woot! I love darwin awards!!!!!-
    I got 2 books.
     
  16. duffmann233

    duffmann233 Guest

    i got a coupple but they can be a little offensive so dont read them if they bother you.

    Whats the numberone reason a handgun is better than a wife?.....................................you can buy a silencer for your handgun.

    Why havent we sent a woman to the moon yet?.............................because it hasnt needed cleaning yet.
     
  17. Phreak Hacker

    Phreak Hacker Well-Known Member

    Haha... those are pretty funny.

    Btw, the one about the lion and the monkey (the thunderstorm, stars and everything) I believe was originally adapted from the introduction scene to Eddie Murphy's stand-up routine, 'Raw'.

    I remember watching that too. =)
     
  18. G.C

    G.C Well-Known Member

    Ohhh I Got Some

    What Does Marriage And Tornadoes Have In Common?
    Theres Alot Of Blowing And Sucking To Begin And At The End You Lose Your House Rofl

    What Does Soya And Dildos Have In Common?
    They're Both Used As A Meat Subsitute

    Whats The Difference Between A Lightbulb And A Pregnant Woman?
    You Cant Unscrew A Pregnant Woman ;)
     
  19. Adnan1992

    Adnan1992 Well-Known Member

    ok ok this is a good one.

    A boy goes upstairs and see that his mum is in bed with another man, so he runs into the closet. There is sound downstairs of his Dad comeing back from work. So his mother rushes around and hides the man in the same closet, not seeing her son. The boy says "It's dark in here. DO you want to buy my football for $250?" The man says quietly "No way, not for that price."
    The boy says " My dad is outside this closet you know..."
    The man says "Ok, i'll buy it."

    The next day the same thing happens and the boy says to the man:
    "Its dark in here. I'll give ya my football boots for $750."
    The man says "SOLD!"

    The next day, the boys dad says to his son
    "Get your football and boots, you're going to practise."
    The boy says:
    "I sold it to my friends for $1000"
    Dad says
    "What! You conned your friends like that??!! You will have to go to confess!"

    So on Sunday the boy is in the confession room."
    The boy says
    "Its dark in here."

    "Don't Start." says the vicar.

    ;)
     
  20. 514009265x

    514009265x Guest

    :-[yo some one drop this pokemon emerrold on the rom on the floor ( good) then when I play it gase what? I check his trainer card ....................... I look how much time it took for him to beat the elight four...................129 hours! OMG and all his pokemon are lv 45 and below! ( talk about trainers who really on luck!) :-[