At a crossroads...

Recently, I made a slightly big and revealing confession in Conrannex's confession thread.
For those of you who haven't seen it:

http://forum.romulation.net/index.php?topic=50597.275

it's the first at the top.

Two days later,in some bizarre twist of fate, the second man my mom was with, my two brothers' dad, had tracked my family down in FB, and friend requested me, my mom, and my two brothers.

I accepted his request, thinking I could somehow flood his inbox or wall with hatemail, or maybe track his family down and threaten him to give us more support or else reveal to his wife his "other" family. I wasn't planning on telling this to my mom, but she found out.

Now she's telling me to ignore this person and just move on with my life. I found out later that he was just sending my mom some money as his "support". What really irritates me is he expects us to just look the other way of what he's done. I mean, he even messaged my brother:

Hi Kiddo

Missing you so much...

Dad

How the hell can you stay away for ten years, abandon us, and start your own family and still call yourself their father!?
It's bad enough you left us, but now you just come waltzing back like we would welcome you!? BULLSHIT!

And my mom... she just want this to stay hidden and doesn't want to deal with it.... She must have hurt pretty badly. I mean, you can see, plain as day, on this guy's profile page his family and other kids! How do you expect my mom to deal with that?

Now, What I want to ask other RomU members who might have had this experience is... What should i do?

Should I listen to what my mom says, just roll over, and pretend that the ten years of hardship he left us never happened?
Or should I man up and actually do something about it?

Any advice would be gladly appreciated.

Oh, and if the mods would find it fit to move this to the help section, feel free to do so. I just put it here thinking this section has the most traffic and maybe get more replies.

Thanks.

 

Stewing in resentment or self-pity certainly ain't gonna help anyone. I suggest you hear the guy out; if he's sincere, let him apologise and try to make amends. Eventually, hopefully, you and your family can forgive him.

Also inb4 angsty douchebag kids refuting my advice

 

I actually had a plan on blackmailing him, forcing him to give us more "support". God knows how hard it is to put three kids to college nowadays. But still, I think my brothers can listen to him, but I don't think I can... I'm thoroughly pissed off at the guy now...

I just wanna know what might be the best course of action that won't have a humongous backlash in the future and leave our family hurting even more. thanks for the advice though tehuber.

 

Resorting to blackmail just puts you in the same low as the person.

 

Anger and hatred are destructive forces that will only cause you more pain. I know it's not easy, but forgiveness is the only way you can really heal those wounds. Think about it - what more damage can he do by ditching you again? On the other hand, how much better will it be to have this entire matter resolved?

Believe me, my advice is the best course of action. My service is nothing but the best. that'll be $89.95 by the way

 

Perhaps I should just ignore him for the time being... If he decides to keep poking into our lives maybe, I'll confront him. And if he decides he could just come back without any trouble, then by god, I'll be sure to MAKE some trouble. But, if this whole thing blows over then... It'll just be footnote in the happy rainbows and pony book that is my life.

and do you take cash, credit or paypal?

 

Ignoring my gracious advice of grace just because you're not man enough to follow it incurs a 10000% surcharge. Just make a negotiable cheque payable to Jimmy Wales and I'll take it from there.

 

Hi, I'm an angsty teenager and I'm here to refute tehuber's advice.

In all seriousness though I'd ignore him, he walked out and it's his loss. If you or your brothers want to meet up with him it should be on your terms and not when he decides

 

You should be happy that he wants contact with you.
Just send him an email once a month or something.

 

It's hard to forgive such a situation afterso long soluri, a mate of mine is like this, so much abuse from his dad...I know if they met tommoro (christmas day) he'd round house kick his own father.

Mine needs a good stabbing too for the abuse he's given my mother, sure he's helped me out...but the way he's reated us is shameful.

No one calls my brother a dumbass, especially he's own brother, as well as several violent confrontations...

 

I would be happy with it. My father never sent an email to me without me sending one first.

Weird sentence.

 

No one teaches you how to be a man Toffee. That is something you learn through trial and especially error, a lot of error. There might be motives behind this fella's actions that drive him to do this. Too much has happened to you at this point, for you to be able to figure all this out on your own. Before you make any sort of decision, ask yourself what kind of door this would open if you accepted him into your life.

Sometimes turning the page is the best idea. He represents a time in your mom's life I would think she'd like to keep covered up. This could uncover a lot of negative points in everyone's life, especially yours.

All we can do is give you simple solutions, but as the sun sets, it's you that makes the call.
You would have never posted this if you didn't feel some sort of need to accept this man into your life as your father.

You don't get a second chance to make a first mistake.

 

I'm going to tell you a secret that is plain for everyone to see and most fail to touch upon:

Make sure it never happens again, make sure you see what the hell is going on, make sure that you don't become the man that abandoned you. Stick by your family, stay by your children and don't run because shit gets bad. He made the mistake of leaving, you don't have to follow in his footsteps, you're better than that.

Don't let history doesn't repeat itself, don't become the monster you were sent to slay... Can you promise me that?

 

Toffee, i want to ask you some questions if its okay, if not, then ignore my questions.

1.) So this guy, is he your stepfather? or just the dad of your step brothers, meaning he has no relations to you personally? When I say you, I mean just you, Toffee. What is your relation to this man?

2.) Are you angry at him because he did something to you personally, or he did something just to your mother and brothers?

3.) You said the second man of you mom, meaning 2nd husband or boyfriend? Is your mother married to this 2nd man?

Can i give my scenario on the facts you already provided in your Original post?

- Toffee is the son of his mother from a first relation, meaning first son from the first husband/boyfriend. His original father either left them or died. So Toffee's mom, got a new man in her life and gave her 2 additional sons, Toffee's stepbrothers. But the 2nd man also left them for 10 years, leaving Toffee, his mother and stepbrothers alone.

Then after the said 10 years, the 2nd man noticed them thru their facebooks and wants to add them in his friends list. Toffee's mother doesn't want to get involved again by hiding her thru feeling and Toffee want to get revenge for his mother and 2 stepbrothers. And now asking advice here in RomU on what he should do.

Did I get that right?

 

One thing I've learned from a bunch of fucked up relatives - gamblers never stop gambling and alcoholics never stop drinking. Chances of people turning over new leaves are rare - exists, but rare. Over time, you'll eventually see the spots showing up on their toadstools.

You should listen to him if you feel it'll help set you free of all that's happen. Then keep it in a drawer, and forget he's ever existed. If he supports you guys, awesome! Be cordial to him. It's goldigging, sure, but it's really only his dues. If you blackmail him, you'll just sink as low as him. You're above that, toffee.

(And anyway that's a crime and we won't want your future with a black record on it, would we?)

 

Damanali-he says he is the illigitimate son of a married man that was cheating on his wife.

 

lolz it's like a movie

 

The problem I have with that is... why now? I mean, after how many years of silence and estrangement, why bother revealing himself to us now?

Know what the worst part is? my brothers still want to talk with him even after they know that he left us, and that he was married, and even after they saw he has two other kids with his wife. Those are just some of the reasons why I don't like him... other reasons include, bad treatment of us when he was here (abuse) and just plain ass-holeness.

What you said is true... even though I thoroughly hate this man... I still feel like I want to have a father in my life...
But I have to admit, I am scared of what might happen when we do finally meet him... I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

Oh trust me, I'll NEVER do what that bastard did to my family. I've seen and lived through what happens when a child lives without a father, and I would never subject my future kids to that.

1.) He was a married man who took my mother as his mistress. He was the father of my brothers but not my father personally. My real father's existence is still a mystery.

2.) He was an abusive father both to me and my brothers. More so to me because I wasn't his child.

3.) He was the second man (as far as I know) in my mother's life. The first man was my father. My mother never married any of them, which is why I have my mother's maiden name as my Last name.

-Yup, that's about right. Though technically, they're my half-brothers, not step-brothers.

I just want to find a way to get back at him for all the misery he's caused us. In time, maybe things will turn out alright, but not before I make sure he knows how much he put us through.

Actually, my brothers are the sons of the man who was cheating on his wife, I'm not too clear on my own history. I just assumed the most probable scenario based on the few snippets of my mom's diary I've read and the stories from my grandparents.

If only.

 

Do you really want to get back at him? Do you really want revenge? Do you want to become a monster?

if not, just never become him. (let your brothers do as they wish, you have no control)

if you heed that above, you win, all your hatred, anger, distrust will become negligible, and it will turn into the greatest revenge that your "step-father" has ever seen.


live well, it is the greatest revenge- the Talmud

 

Your history has many a hole in it. Careful on assuming without proof. You may very well be right though.
In any case, as Gavilatus pointed out, living for a better future should be what you need to do, with or without him in your life.
Revenge is something that shouldn't cross your mind now, as you've lived this long without him.
Family can hurt you the worst in this world, that is a known fact, but this carries a double edge, now doesn't it?
A part of you wishes to know this guy, hell it might only be for closure, to find out what really happened, to fill in that missing gap in your life.
But do you really want to know what happened?
Think about it, you might find out, and finding out might lead to many more questions than answers.
I will only add this for now.
You have made it this far, you're an intelligent and very astute individual. You didn't do this with much help now did you? You did this on your own. Sure you can write this guys letters, even talk to him on the phone if you choose. But sooner or later, and trust me, it happens much faster than you think, you yourself will be a father. The sins of your father should never weigh on you soul, for even if you feel like a castaway, you've done something right to have lived this long.

You are not a mistake my friend, you are a human being. You can think of yourself as an 'accident' or you can believe there was still a purpose, a reason for you to have been born at all. Still births happen all the time, yet you were still born.
You'll figure this out, just don't discredit your own existence to validate anothers.
God was and always be your father, in that sense you always had a father to begin with.