Ask BL4CKB34RD:

So tis be teh topic where ye posts yer questions fer yers truly. During me many voyages, part-time jobs, raids, an' life sitatations, oi have accumulated a fair trove o' knowledge. So if ye' be short o' wisdom, have a query, or be needin' advoice......

Ask ole' BL4CKB34RD.

Oi specializes in nautical questions, relationships, poiressy lore and speak, interior decoratin', poiret accoutrements, an' raid stratagem. Yours welcome in advance.

 

Why are you here?

 

What do you think of the cartoon "The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack?"

 

Oi dinae approve o' teh series. A portrayal o' poirets always chasin' candy? Flapjack loves to portray poirets with cavity ridden grins full o' missin' teeths. It be a STEREOTOIPE! An it be wrong, says oi! Oi knows what ye be a thinkin'. "Har, Har! Oi be a scaree poiret! Ois dinae cares aboat cleen theeths!" Well jess cuase' we sale teh sea dinae mean we set oral hygienes fer naught!

Me crew, fer starters, has top notched oral hygiene. After one o' our first raids, me crew invested in two things. First, we boughts an Oral B AdvancePower electricy type teethbrusher. We each take turns er'y mornin' brushin teh old oivorys. Here be teh review oi wrote fer it on epinions.com:

http://www.epinions.com/review/Oral_B_Advancepower_450_Tx_Bright_Battery_Toothbrush_1_Each/content_462092537476

Seconds, we boughts eight barrels o' limes. Limes be provoidin' vital-type C vitimins which prevents teh scurvy. Scurvy bein one o' teh leadin' causes of poiret teeths loss. Plus, oi loikes a bit o' lime zest wif me rum from times teh times. One o' me crew has resisted takin' his lime ration an he gots false teeths. It work out though, cause' he gots two sets o' false teeths, one fer eatin', an' one fer raidin'. His eatin' teeth be wooden. He nicked em' off a passed out harbor watchman. The other set actually be the jaws o' a small dog shark we caught near teh Cannibal Keys. An he sure scares teh socks off teh locals when he smoils during raids wearin' toes sharky teeths! But e'en though he is imposin' during a raid, we still razz him on teh ship, after all we've been callin' him Scurvy Peet long befores he gots teh second set o' teeths.

O'er all, shiny teeth show other crews tat we are successful enough raiders teh afford frivolities likes a brush an' limes. When we goes a wenchin' teh lasses recognize a full set o' teeth as a sign of a full coin pouch. We likes teh represent when we be in port. An when we board a merchant vessel, an' I gots a cutlass to some cur's neck, oi loiks him teh see the whites o' me eyes AN' me pearly like whites. It be scarrier when teh devil smoils at ye before gettin' run through!

So Flapjacky and Cap'n Kanuckles can keep ter' bloody candies!

 

hey blackbeard, i know a guy who's related to a guy who's girlfriend's siter's boyfriend knows a guy who is the captain of a ship in the royal navy - do are blackbeard 'av any rec'mendations for strategising an action plan against an unknown enemy force?

 

once you answer his, could you give me some advice on How to go about a successfull bank raid? (as modern pirate such yourself would)

 

BL4CKB34RD, is it true that all pirates are drunken, rowdy, and rude?

Oh, and what's the eyepatch for?

 

And may I add, why a peg leg? Why not a tripod leg or a wheel leg instead?

 

So, matey, arrgh, you was workin' on a ship aswell aye?

 

hey blackbeard, i know a guy who's related to a guy who's girlfriend's siter's boyfriend knows a guy who is the captain of a ship in the royal navy - do are blackbeard 'av any rec'mendations for strategising an action plan against an unknown enemy force?

Errrgh. Ye be goin' a bit Ferris Buehler on me thar:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ike0W17DfIY

But by the by, ois def'nitlees have some advoice fer ye. So yeh be dealin' wif a Jack Tar, eh? (Jack Tars what we be callin' navy recruits & Navy=poiret wanabees, oi jess be a sayin') Teh bess steps ye can a be takin' when dealin' wif an unfamiliar enemy is teh gets yerself som good intel on tis navy cur. Intel be composed o' two ports, surveillance an' info gathrin'.

On surveillance: E'ry good sea farin' vessel has a crow's nest or more acerately put, a fightin' deck, as it were. Tis be a smoll like deck fer spying wif a watchglass. Make sure yeah gots yerself a good watchman to man tis post. Nao, pick'n a good look out be a fickle process. Ye wants a bucko who has good attention teh detail, don't get bored easily, an' aint afraid a heights. Ye want's the nosiest bastard on yer crew up ter, but not the type who is alarmed easily or hasta report to ya on every little matter. Oi hads ta give a former look out a short drop an a quick stop once cuz he wouldn't quit sendin' reports e'ry time a gull crapped on me deck. Mos' lubbers think teh crow's nest jes be used when at sea, but it be a fair practice teh keep the nest manned in port too. Tat way yeah gots yer own spy teh peep all o'er town teh keep watch on yer Navy boot licker. Hoe ever, ye mights run into a few angry husbands if'n yer look out loiks lookin' through teh locals winders.

On intel gatherin': Dis be where teh social networkin', as it were, o' poiretin' comes inta play. Ye wants teh have lots a ears in e'ry port. Teh get as many tattles in e'ry port as ye can, I employ teh generous use o' threats an' bribes. The more folk who think yer gonna dispatch tem, the looser lips become. Bribes keep teh mouths flowin' too. Always keep a flagon various spirits aroun' ta accomadate teh tastes of yer informants. Fer teh harborman, it might be bourbon, fer teh ladies o' teh night it usually be wine. Go straight to the bordello madame if'n yeh wants teh staightest dope on yer navy bloke. An keeps a dagger in yer boot and a pistol in yer sash, cause' teh navy fights dirty, too.

once you answer his, could you give me some advice on How to go about a successfull bank raid?

Nao, tat be a question fer a lubber. Unless it be a floatin' bank, oi gots no tippage for ye.

BL4CKB34RD, is it true that all pirates are drunken, rowdy, and rude? Oh, and what's the eyepatch for?

It be true tat we have an inclination for teh rum an' we loiks a good ruckus. I be a behemoth suparter o' gunplay, cannon, play, swordplay, pointless on-line forum debates, knifeplay, fisticuffs, skirmishes, barfights, hockey, reality court shows, and all manner o' rowdiness. But teh make a blanket statement tat ole poirets be rude? I jes dinae tink so. I fer one know how teh turns on teh charm whens oi needs it.

On eye patchies: Dey jes not be a fashion accessory, though the wenches generally acknowledge an eyepatched lad as looking quites dashing. An' dey not jes be for all me one-eyed buckos. Eye patchies be quite practical really on deck o' any vessel. Specially when a hand has a job porting swag from above and below deck. Ye see, teh inside o' a ship be dark and teh deck be broight. Sos yer eye has problems adjustin' to teh light differences. So watcha dos is keep one eye adjusted to teh dark by keepin' teh patch on an' takin it off when ya goes below deck, see?

http://mythbustersresults.com/epsode71

And may I add, why a peg leg? Why not a tripod leg or a wheel leg instead?

Well I oi one had a bosun wif a pike leg. Was very useful when swinging over when boarding merchants. Pike Leg Francis, he was called. Nao Francis would swing from teh mast wif tat pike stuck out in front o' him. Lad skewered more den a few Jack Tars tat way. Teh pike was also great for traction in rough seas. Ultimately, oi had teh make him switch back to a peg doe, cause' he kept scratchin' up me ship's deck. Once, as practical like joke, we swapped out his pike leg with one made out o' sidewalk chalk when he went on shore leave. A debtor Francis owed money to was able to follow the chalk trail all over. Teh debtor finally found ole Francis at his favorite bordello. Lad had ta pay back his debtor an' got kicked out of teh bordello. Wenchies nay like a broke bloke! Moirite, or moirite?!

So, matey, arrgh, you was workin' on a ship aswell aye?

Workin' on a ship? I be runnin tis vessel, yeh wetear! Werk be the reason oi gots me crew. Me bosuns make sure all the chores gets don. I personally avoid werk at ole costs, here on QU33N 4NN3'5 R3V3NG3.

 

what do you call dogs that are trained to help blind people in travelling?

 

where can i learn pirate talks?

 

Why was my question ignored?

 

Why was my question ignored?

Teh "Waa, waa! Me goins' teh croi ifs me question be ignored!" Ole roights, ole roights. Oi'll answers yer bugger question!

Why are you here?

Hmmmmm. Lets me be delicate here......
Yeh, sea. When's a bloke ans a maiden ares in "love"....... No, no. Thots not quite roight...... Oi'll trois agin.
It be like this, when a scalawag an' wench be really crunk......

Kamage, ois jes dinae thinks oi can answers tis query wifout keepin' me response PG-13. Soory mate.


where can i learn pirate talks?

Oi'd loves teh give yeah a full tutorial, but I gots a raid planned in a few minutes an' I gots teh set sail. But here be a few pointers teh get ye started.

1. Teh long "i" sound in werd loike "like" be pernounced as "oi". Fer instance, "bike" be pernounced "boike".
2. Grammar "rules" be more loike "guoidloines".
3. Whene'er possible, replace words with nautical type terms. Fer exampiple, "hour after hour" be said as "oar after oar".

what do you call dogs that are trained to help blind people in travelling?

Dependin' on which sea yeh be sailin' in, quoite possibly yeh be callin' such a beasty "dinner". At a Singapore meat shop fer instance.

Wells, that be ole fer nao, yeh rapscallions. YARRRRR!

 

Why are flies black?

 

Did you ever fight Cervantes from SoulBlade?

 

do you happen to look anything like this?

 

Or perhaps like this:


ROFL

 

Whale, anutter day in teh salts mine be ovar and oi racksed up anutter ripsnortin' raid! Some roight noice swag, we "harvested" from a Chinese merchant! I bes see wot teh RomUlaters bees up teh.

Why are flies black?

Nao, tis be a common misconception. Based upon the experiences wif some o' the unbathed o' me crew, oi have come ta lear a lots aboat flys an' oi can say tat black nots be 'n accurate like colour descripty. Whoile flies be black from a distance, tey actually oar quoite irridescant up close. Teh substance, chitin, witch mose buggies be composed oat of, refracts loight quiote effective loike. Incidentally, there be a fly coalled teh "Pirate Fly":


(it alsos be knowns as a robber fly)

Did you ever fight Cervantes from SoulBlade?

Nay, butts oi lost some dubloons bettin' on 'im once. He was foightin Popeye The Sailor Man. Oil tells yeh, tat Popeye be teh toughest Jack Tar oi evers met. Tat nutter must have bewitched tatoo or sumpin. Howevers, in Cervantes' deffense it only be fare to mention tis was a bareknuckle brawl, so Cervy di'nae have teh advantage o' his two swords.

do you happen to look anything like this?

Nay. Toh I be flattered teh be compared to a OnePiece foe.

Or perhaps like this:

Deuce nay.

Tis be one o' teh moar accurates liknesess o moi:

 

What would you Prefere ?

A Hot Lady

Or

Nice Juicy Rightly Cooked with BBQ Sauce CHIKEN ?